#2: Panic! At the Disco - A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
Panic! At the Disco - A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out
Released: September 27, 2005
Musicians:
Brandon Urie - Lead vox, rhythm guitar, bass guitar, keyboards, piano, synthesizers
Ryan Ross - lead guitar, backing vocals, synthesizers, programming, organ, accordion, creative direction
Spencer Smith - drums, percussion
Brent Wilson - bass guitar
Heather Stebbins - Cello, double bass
William Brousserd - trumpet
Samantha Bynes - violin
“Praying for love and paying in naivety.”
That plays in my mind so often. It’s kinda corny. Super angsty. But it struck me as a kid. And as an adult it continues to randomly run through my mind.
The first time I heard this album, I was in the bedroom of a friend of a friend’s friend. The friend…the one I was most acquainted with…was a girl that I was very interested in. She challenged me, and excited me in ways that hadn’t happened before. She was smarter than me, but never talked down to me. She had the best taste in music (which was something I hadn’t caught on to yet.) We were very close by this point. We talked everyday on AIM. (…christ…AIM…yes.) Her mother was a bit more protective, than mine and I would always be online longer and be waiting to hear the sound of her entering the chat room. I can’t remember if it was me, or her that assigned it…but it was the opening riff of Start Me Up.
I digress. So…we weren’t dating yet. I definitely wanted to. But I had zero game. So I went with her to this like backyard party at one of her friends’ house. While there we met this dude. Honestly he was as far as you can get into the emo look without looking cartoony. He had on tight skinny jeans, a black hoodie, black and white striped gloves with no finger tips, dark rimmed glasses and black lace up doc martens. The last of which is what got us talking. She had these long boots which weren’t Docs…but were cool. I had Docs. We got into a whole boot thing. It was just about the lamest conversation ever the more I think about it. But we loved it.
All lyrics by Ryan Ross; all music composed by Ross, Brendon Urie, Spencer Smith, and Brent Wilson.
Track listing:
Introduction
The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage
London Beckoned Songs About Money Written by Machines
Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks
Camisado
Time to Dance
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off
Intermission
But It’s Better if You Do
I Write Sins Not Tragedies
I Constantly Thank Good for Esteban
There’s a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought of It Yet
Build God, Then We’ll Talk
Anyway…a few sodas later, he asked if we wanted to head inside away from everybody. We went into a bedroom. He pulls out a cd and throws it into a boom box. He plops on the floor with his elbows resting on his bent knees…head leaned down.
“Now I’m of consenting age…”
We all sit on the floor…we’re all taking it in. Me and the girl are next to each other…I’m staring at this guy just completely absorbed in the song. Now…mind you…he didn’t go “let’s listen to some tunes.” He just…put it on. I thought it was weird at the time. I dig that now. Music is universal. I don’t trust anyone that says they don’t like music. I’m looking at you, Robby McFerrin. (Deep cut…even for fans.)
Chorus hits…and he throws up his hood and is really with the song. The only thing I can think about…is the how awesome the rhythmic piano during the verses is. It’s like a super poorly executed attempt at a latin groove. It’s odd and I love it.
“And isn’t this exactly where you’d like me
I’m exactly where you’d like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety”
The line hits me. I nod in approval and smile a bit. I turn to my left. She’s looking at me. She WAS looking at me. She has this look on her face. She often didn’t smile when she was happy. But you could see the difference in her expression all the same. She had that non smile happiness on her face.
“Praying for love and paying in naivety
Praying for love and paying in naivety.”
Looking back, if I had any game or confidence, I probably would’ve went for a kiss. Dude was in his own world and we were sharing a moment. But ya know…20/20 hindsight. (oof…that’s gonna be triggering in the future, eh?)
Song ends and begins to fade into I Write Sins Not Tragedies, but the friend that we actually came to see pops in and is like “there you are!” She kindly ushers us back outside and we live out a pretty tame ending to a relatively calm party. I drive my friend home and walk her to the door. We say goodnight and I head home.
I bought the album the next day at FYE. Remember when that was a thing? The two huge singles made sense to me. They were super catchy. It played a bit in my car for a few days. I definitely dug it…but I didn’t give it as much attention as it honestly deserved.
The next Monday morning at school I met at my usual spot in the lobby of the school. Me and my friends congregated by this statue before the first bell so we could all update each other on the various going ons of life and me and my (not yet girl-)friend could awkwardly flirt. Teen life. One of my friends had recently come out to me. Cool guy…and yeah I knew it was coming for a while…but it took him a bit to come to terms with it and that was fine. Today however, he announced he was planning on telling his parents. We were excited. I had met his parents many times. They were super sweet and super supportive of him doing theater and seemingly all he did.
After that school day, I wished him luck and he headed home. I waited for my (not yet girl-)friend to get to the lobby of the school. We had a bit of an odd ritual of giving a very long goodbye hug everyday. As I get older, I roll my eyes harder and harder at the dumb teenage me. But it was what we did. So we did that, I headed off to my bus and went home for the day.
The evening was an uneventful bit of AIM, homework, and Gamecube. The usual.
The next morning in the lobby, I’m drinking my Arizona green tea…and my friend walks in. I ask him immediately how it went. It hit like a ton of bricks. He didn’t have to say a word. His eyes were watery from the last batch of tears and on the verge of the next. He was folded into himself, barely looking up. I go closer to ask if he’s ok, reach out to touch his arm and he jumps. I’m confused. I thought I hurt him. He doesn’t say a word. He rolls up his sleeve.
The cliches begin. I say he’s gotta tell someone…he says no. It’s a bit of an argument. I don’t want to upset him further. I drop it.
I’d love to be able to say that I was the one that went and told someone about it. But I can’t. I didn’t say anything. I wanted to honor his wishes. That old 20/20 hindsight has me screaming at myself. But it didn’t matter. At the end of the day when I was in my hug ritual, I look up and see him being escorted out with the vice principal. I break the hug and run to ask what’s going on and get brushed away. He didn’t even look at me.
When I got home, I didn’t say anything. I’m in the middle of some gamecube and the doorbell rings. My mom calls me downstairs.
It’s his parents. In a flash I knew immediately what happened.
“Have you seen him? He hasn’t come home.”
The father is holding the mother like an after school special, or an episode of SVU. I muster as much of my acting chops as I could.
“No, I haven’t seen him since our last class.”
“Did he say anything to you today?”
The father was examining my face now.
“Didn’t mention going anywhere if that’s what you mean. I hope he’s alright.”
Then there was this moment of uncomfortable silence. My mom is smart. She had somehow figured it out. She made an excuse that we had to get moving and was “Sorry we couldn’t help.”
When the door was shut, I told her what happened. She gave me a hug. We had our dinner.
That next morning I was able to take the car to school. A rare privilege. I threw on the panic
album. Skipped around until that song I first heard came on. Then I hit that hook.
“Praying for love and paying in naivety.”
I stopped short and almost caused a huge accident…but luckily there were better drivers out there.
I pulled over and cried for a long time. I was late to my first class.
I never heard from him again. I tried many times to reach out and to find out what happened. But the school (rightly so) wouldn’t tell me anything. Facebook was not a thing for us back then. And even now…I can’t find him. I’ve tried. But it’s not happening. I’m just not good at it. And honestly…if he wanted to be found…I’m sure he’d have reached out by now. And that’s ok…sometimes you need the fresh start. I can only hope he’s doing well. I hope he’s thriving. Got himself a loving boyfriend or husband. Maybe a family. And…maybe even his parents and him were able to reconcile. Or maybe he has cut them out completely and is happier that way. Whatever the case, I hope he’s doing well.
The album would remain unplayed for a long time. That first memory with it was destroyed. I would never think anything else when I hear that song. So I put it away for a while. Even when I would go back to the album years later…it would only be the two hits. I played a concert at 54 Below in 2018 caused me to listen to this album. It was the closest I came to really putting it on…but I skipped the song. The line would hit me once in a while, but I’d work quick to make it go away, ignoring that screaming elephant in the room. This listen through was the first time I’ve heard this song since 2005.